Why Self-Help Books Don’t Work…and What Does (为什么自助书籍没有用？...以及什么才有用？

（为什么自助书籍/工作坊等等不（那么）有用，因为改变不是一朝一夕，因为改变需要专业人士帮你看到你的盲点、防御机制、无意识......自助书籍就好比告诉你登上宇宙飞船然后飞向火星，可宇宙飞船从哪里来呢？和治疗师一起的工作，就是建造可以载你去火星的宇宙飞船的过程。）

Why Self-Help Books Don’t Work…and What Does

MAY 7, 2015 BY Gregg Williams

I recently read a self-help book based on original research by a well-known PhD author. In it, she used the insights from her research to explain how we go off-course in our lives, and what to do to correct those problems and make our lives better.

What a wonderful book! I thought. Once I make these changes, my life will be much better.

I only made some of the changes she recommended. The others were too hard.

Days passed. I had trouble even with the changes I started.

This isn’t working, I thought. So I just gave up.

Sound familiar?

Self-help books, explained

If a self-help book were a blueprint for getting the human race to Mars, it would read like this:

Build a spaceship.
Put people in it.
Fly to Mars.
You did it—you’re on Mars!
What? You can’t get to Mars on that? Well, there must be something wrong with you.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with you. What’s wrong is with that self-help book you’re reading. It’s written as if “build a spaceship” were a single step.

It’s not.

Building a spaceship takes millions of hours, billions of dollars, and the cooperation of many, many people.

“Build a spaceship and fly to Mars” is not a blueprint for success in any way. Flying to Mars involves a lot more steps, and a lot of work.

It’s the same with “Change X, and your life will be much better.” Changing X always involves more steps and a lot of work.

But, you say, people do change their lives. So how is it done?

What you need to know about change

I have spent over 40 years making fundamental changes in my life. Also, I have spent almost a decade working with people who were trying to make changes in their lives. Here is what I know:

You *can* change your life—if you have the right attitude toward change. CLICK TO TWEET
Change is hard.

That’s the bad news. Here’s the good news:

You can change your life—if you have the right attitude toward change.

“How to change” is too big a subject to cover here, and there’s no answer that works for everybody. (As I have said before, “People are different…so the answer depends.”) However, the following points will greatly increase your chances of success:

People change over time, not all at once.

Significant, lasting change takes months to occur, often years. It is the result of multiple small improvements. So don’t commit yourself to some grandiose program of comprehensive, sweeping change—they always end badly.

Improvements happen unevenly.

Improving your life is not like flipping a light switch. It’s more like the beach slowly disappearing under an incoming tide.

Improving your life isn't like flipping a light switch. It’s like the beach disappearing under the tide. CLICK TO TWEET
But even this analogy is not perfect. Improvements don’t happen in a straight-line, always-moving-up way. You will have setbacks, and you may have periods when nothing changes.

You’ll get better results if your goals are concrete and measurable.

“I want to be happier” is not a goal—it’s what you want your life to look like at the end. An example of a concrete, measurable goal is “I want to do an activity with at least three friends each weekend for the next month.”

Know that you may have to try more than once.

Life is complicated, and the universe is not known for giving you what you want. When you try something and it doesn’t work out, remind yourself that such negative experiences are merely one step on the road that leads to success.

When something doesn’t work out, remind yourself that such experiences are only one step on the road to success. CLICK TO TWEET
Also, you will get there faster if you take the time to learn from them.

Don’t be afraid to seek professional help.

If you feel you can’t change, or if you’re trying to change and you feel stuck, consider seeing a therapist. (Ignore any thoughts that seeking therapy is a sign of weakness. Therapy—like going to the gym regularly—is for people who want to be stronger.)

If you do have a self-help book that sounds good to you, talk to your therapist about using it as part of your sessions. Your therapist will screen out techniques that aren’t good for you. She will also provide guidance and feedback that will greatly increase the likelihood of success.

For information on what therapy is and what qualities to look for in a therapist, see my “What is Therapy? FAQ.”

• • •

To sum up, self-help books don’t work because they make change sound easy—and it definitely is not. You will improve your life if you keep your expectations realistic, stay flexible, and are willing to work.

And those web articles that promise “7 Easy Ways to Instantly Add X to Your Life”? Don’t waste your time—you know better.